Lux - Noun. Meaning unit of light. From the Latin meaning light
So often in this increasingly complicated world we find ourselves dimmer versions of who we should be. We feel like we’ve lost our shine and worst of all we’re not quite sure how to get it back. People tell you that self-care is important but even that can feel like an added pressure when you don't know where to start; how does one "self-care" or "love yourself" out of the blue? I'm terrible at meditation and horrible at yoga, does that mean I'm a lost cause? It is amazing how in this Age of Information we arguably know ourselves less than we ever have. We’re bombarded with images of who we are supposed to be or aspire to. We’ve lost touch with how we connect back inwards for longer than an hour’s meditation or wine fuelled bubble bath (although I would always advocate for the latter!). It’s no wonder Wellness is now an Industry – we are all desperate for some peace and some answers!
Last year I was coming up to 30 and hitting the dreaded What-on-Earth-am-I-doing-with-my-life Crossroad?! I'll be honest, the moment I turned 29 it was like a giant clock appeared in my head counting down to 30; the last year in my 20s was spent being scared to start my 30s. I know, not very elegant or composed of me. I was astonished at my reaction and frankly disappointed in myself that I had fallen into the trap of being such a cliché. I'm an educated woman with a great career, wonderful friends, financial agency and a healthy body (albeit a slightly cuddly one) why on Earth was I feeling so manic? I'd always been excited to hit 30, I believe women start hitting their prime in their 30s. Every woman I've met has told me they feel more themselves, less neurotic and far more centred than they did in their 20s. Plus my generation have had the luxury of less pressure to achieve milestones by a certain time frame than our parents and the global discussion about fluidity of life choices in all contexts (although still a long way to go) is far more advanced than it has ever been, at least in the West. So why was I so scared? What right did I have to even think about freaking out when there were so many other people around the world without any of the luxuries and privilege that make up the nuance of my daily life? I simply couldn't fathom it and having always felt like a fairly self-possessed and self-aware person it really threw me. People kept shouting at me from Instagram or Podcasts or so-called self-help books,
“MAKE A LIFE YOU DON’T WANT A VACATION FROM!”
“BE YOUR BEST SELF!”
“FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!”
and I kept wanting to bellow back, “But what if you don’t know what your dream IS you just know you’re not living it?!”
"The moment I turned 29 it was like a giant clock appeared in my head counting down to 30; the last year in my 20s was spent being scared to start my 30s. I was astonished at my reaction and frankly disappointed in myself that I had fallen into the trap of being such a cliche.”
One evening I was sorely tempted to send a message to one of these new-fangled Instagram Influencers disguised as a Lifestyle Coach (who by the way is 19-and-three-quarters years old) who was telling her THREE MILLION followers, “life is too short to live the wrong one” and ask her what practical advice she would give then to live Nirvana on Earth? Of course, I didn't. What I actually did was open the wine, tear open the chocolate I "wasn't going to have until the weekend" and run another bath. The next morning I was back at work not living the proverbial dream.
Work by the way is a fantastic job. Which compounded my misery at feeling unhappy because I felt so guilty for not feeling grateful. I work in the British Film Industry as a Location Manager and have had the opportunity and sheer privilege to work on great films with some of the most talented names out there. However, it is an all consuming job that demands a lot of everyone involved. Typical working weeks are 90 hours when filming and minimum 50 when not. Setting an alarm for 3am and not hitting home again until 11pm is a regular occurrence. Me going totally off radar for weeks at a time was something my ever so patient loved ones got used to; missing events, birthdays, christenings and family gatherings became the norm. I didn't have a holiday for 4 years as I was lucky enough to keep being offered work and as a freelancer it feels utterly counter-intuitive to turn that down. And forget about dating -
Potential date on Tuesday: "so how about a drink on Thursday night?" Lucy: "Great! I'll probably be able to leave the office early on Thursday, around 7pm so I could be in town to meet you around 8.30pm, would that work?"
PD: "Ah, ok, well I finish work at 5 but I could hang around"
Lucy: "You're so sweet, sorry, I know it's a drag. But first round on me!"
***Cut to Wednesday***
Lucy: "hey, so so sorry but now doing an evening recce on Thursday and won't be finished until around 10pm. Are you free on Friday?"
PD: "hey, ah what a shame. Um I can move some things around. Let's say Friday. 8ish again?"
Lucy: "You're amazing! Thank you. Yes 8 is perfect"
***Cut to Thursday afternoon***
Lucy: "Hey, so I'm so sorry but we're now filming Saturday so I'll be prepping late on Friday"
PD: "You know you can just say if you'd rather not meet"
Lucy: "I promise it isn't that, it's just so hard to plan with filming"
PD: "Ok, well how about you get through this week which sounds hectic and then text me when you're next free for a drink"
Lucy: "Ok, sounds like a plan. I'll text you on my next day off"
***I text him on my next proper day off, 3 months later.***
Reader, you'll be flabbergasted to hear that he did not reply.
I felt like I was hitting cliché targets out of the park:
Moaning Millennial - TICK
Living the work-90-hours-a-week-sleep-when-you’re-dead London Dream - TICK
Not-sure-what-is-wrong-but-nothing-is-right - TICK
I'm so single I could probably legitimately wear white on my wedding day again - TICK
At this rate there will never be a wedding day anyway - TICK
Eating all my feelings (there's a lot of them) - TICK
Self-loathing at all the eaten feelings now making my clothes too tight - TICK
Buying gym membership to fight eaten feelings and literally never going - TICK
Deliveroo drivers actually knowing my name - TICK
Not being able to think of a single hobby when asked (does laundry count?!) - TICK
So predictably with my utter lack of work/life balance and any time to do anything even close to what we might class "self-care" my health deteriorated sharply to an alarming degree, my happiness plummeted and suddenly I was simply surviving not living. I now realise with hindsight and sleep, I utterly burnt myself out.
“But what if you don’t know what your dream IS you just know you’re not living it?!”
I started getting irritated with Oprah telling me to start a gratitude diary, "sure Oprah, today I'm so grateful for Barry Deliveroo driver 3 delivering my noodles so fast they were still hot". Probably not what she had in mind. So then I started getting defensive. "Why do I have to live my dream? Why can't I just sit comfortably in my own half misery and wait to die? Stop telling me to love myself and start telling me how!"
This did not work either.
I'm not a tortured artist, being wrapped in angst does not suit me so I set about trying to rid myself of it with a plan more tangible than a gratitude diary or the Law of Attraction. To be clear I do not denigrate the former, I know it works it just didn't work as a starting point for me. As for Law of Attraction this to me is a false message of apathy. I've never believed you can simply sit back and wish your life away. You have to lay the groundwork for your own success and that takes more work than imagining it landing in your lap. Even if you imagine really hard.
To me the most logical starting point would be the fundamental building blocks to my own character. Understanding those first would make sense. Rather than searching through endless books and apps and podcasts again I decided to begin somewhere more elemental. I have a healthy cynicism about anything that tries to baffle me with mysticism but 'fortune-telling' in all it's forms has long been a family craft and a secret I was taught very early on is that there is no 'magic' in Astrology or Tarot, YOU are the magic; the sense of wonder comes from those who are able to use these as tools to tap into themselves. What I found when I returned to Astrology & Tarot as an adult was not hocus pocus jargon like so many sell these ancient wisdom traditions as, but simply a toolkit to provide a blueprint to our own nature. As a wellness tool to understanding ourself just a little better I was astounded at it's accuracy and intuition. I found not only that I suddenly recognised and pinpointed behavioural patterns in myself but that I was also able to understand my reactions far better. Simple small shifts in understanding led to huge ripple effects that reverberated throughout each corner of my life. I did not need to overhaul my whole life or move to a distant cottage to find myself like I would in a Marian Keyes book (wholeheartedly recommend along with your wine-fuelled bubble bath though), all I needed to do was simply be more cognisant of my actions and therefore my subsequent decisions. It really was that straight forward, and not at all scary.
I started to play around doing my friends' Charts and Readings for fun and the feedback every single time was not only how similar it was to corporate personality testings they had at work which the companies paid £100s for, but also how they felt these Readings pinpointed aspects of their character they knew but had not yet understood; a feeling of revealing rather than revelation. Which to me felt right. We don't need to find ourselves we need to rediscover who we are. That is what inspired me to start Lux Readings, if I can find some peace and answers from tools such as these anyone can.
Investing in ourselves is one of the smartest things we can do. It not only enlivens our contentment but it also allows for far more efficient goal setting. We can achieve our personal and professional aspirations much more effectively when we are firing on all cylinders. 2020 has shown us categorically that happiness and stability has to start from within us if it is going to sustainable and able to weather all storms. How wonderful and marvellous is it that we have the opportunity to make mistakes, create our own luck and choose our own destiny. We are so lucky to be able to stumble along this path called life and if this year has taught us anything it is that making the most of this life is our priority and privilege.
I am not going to claim these readings will mysteriously fix all your worries or miraculously give you all the answers you seek, that is for you to do. What they will provide is an insight into yourself. They will illuminate a way of viewing the world through your own lens that will empower you to make the best decisions for your happiness and your life’s trajectory. With deeper self-knowledge we can choose our way more wisely. This in turn will ultimately give you access to your most powerful self just by knowing yourself better. It is a wisdom you will carry with you for the rest of your life.
Back yourself, invest in yourself. You owe yourself more than dissatisfaction rooted in lethargy. You are magical and phenomenal. It would be my honour to rediscover why with you.
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